"Ahhhhh well folks, ahhhhh welcome ahhhhh board your flight to ahhhhh San Francisco...yawn. Ahhhh its two hours and five ahhhhh minutes enoute to ahhh day. Sit back and ahhhh enjoy the flight. Welcome AHHHH board." Sound familiar? I really hope not but it probably did. Lets face it. Airliner PA announcements kinda suck. They need to go through a revolution. We can first get rid of the AHHHHH that is a great filler between every other word. Let's also spice it up a little bit. Whats wrong with making the cabin full of people laugh? I'd put money on it that they aren't listening to begin with, so lets take on the challenge and make people laugh who aren't listening in the first place. Hell the passengers are probably tweeting about how horrible you sound saying "Shut up Mr. Pilot #annoyed" or posting a pic on Instagram of everybody boarding and the caption says "These people don't care." You will be one step closer to being a stand up comic. The best part is that Federal Law requires passengers to listen to you! Be more interesting than the Words With Friends Game that the people are playing. SEIZE THE MOMENT! I had two announcements that I made and they were the following: Take off: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC NEWS from the flight deck this morning. We have just been cleared for take off by the tower to New York, New York, at this time I'd like to have our Flight Attendants to please be seated." Arrival: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen one final time from the Flight Deck. Guess What!? I have great news, we'll be landing soon. Right now air traffic control has us decending through 15,000 feet and just 75 miles left of flying in this evenings flight. All in all we will have you to the gate in roughly 15 minutes. Folks, you are in store for a real treat tonight, I don't know if you know it or not, but your captain, Mr. Santa Clause, is at the controls. In addition to being Elvis's number one fan, he has also developed a reputation amongst the pilot group as being one of the smoothest landers. Earlier in the flight he was cited as saying......quote......this will be the smoothest landing ever......unquote. The good news for Santa is that he has better than Ideal weather conditions for a great landing, right now the airport is calling for gusty winds out of the north, heavy rain and poor visibility. I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you for flying with us tonight, at this time I'd like the flight attendants to prepare for landing. Once again, thanks for flying with us and we bid you adieu and a pleasant evening!" OH GOD. That was horrible. I must have been long winded and getting boo'd saying all that on the last 15 minutes of a transcontinental red eye. I am so sorry world. As Steve Martin said in Planes Trains and Automobiles "You are like a Chatty Kathy Doll that has a string to pull it and go blahhh blahh blahh except your the one pulling it!" These announcements need to be like tweets 160 characters only. So, who is in? Let's call for a revolution for the airline announcement. Al PS - I had a welcome aboard announcement contest between one of my favorite captains to fly with. It was actually broadcast LIVE from my iphone to my facebook page. Whoever had the most hits won. We are still in a stalemate with 0 views each for lack of interest. Here are links to our announcements. You be the judge. Captain's: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/14293975 Mine: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/14310491
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Do you remember the last time you finished writing something and something was over? I do. Like my last English final that was a 4 essay hand written final that stood between me and graduating college. How about signing a credit card reciept? At that point dinner is over and you are looking for those incredible after dinner mints that kinda melt in your mouth like powder. Well I had the pleasure of writing a sentimental airport in somebody's logbook for the last time before the airport is closed by the city. BOOOOO!!! Where is the Dislike button? Anyway, it was a lot of fun flying with well known aviation blogger Todd McClamroch creator and writer at MyFlightBlog.com. We had a mission to make one last trip around the pattern at the airport Todd learned to fly out of - The Blue Ash Airport (KISZ) in Cincinnati Ohio. It is always sad to see airports close, but this one is more especially hard to see go. Blue Ash is a faded flagship of great airports. Its a stick and rudder airport. Places like PWK and TEB are great airports but, they are flashy airports, fun places to hang out, but they have shinny jets and air conditioning. Blue Ash, was a little different. A type of aviation still exsisted here that you RARELY see any more. I call it stick and rudder aviation. Regular people, flying regular airplanes for the heck of it. Grease monkey's, war heroes, young aspiring aviators pumping gas to pay for flying lessons, all sitting around and enjoying the sights, faces, and sounds of a perfect little airport. The funny thing is, this airport had heavy turbine equipment sitting on the ramp. Blue Ash is settled on a bluff in a heavy hitter industrial park. Near by are tons of manufacturing businesses all the way from Ma & Pa places up to General Electric Aircraft Engine manufacturing plant. Its location is so valuable to aviation, business aviation that is as well as the private aviators that fly out of Blue Ash. General Aviation is broken. I have been trying to figure it out, and it is a lot of things. Blue Ash opened my eyes to another reason why. General Aviation currently is a luxury item. Municipalities see that too. General Aviation isn't being held to its highest and best use. It is a tool, a tool for the economy. The Airport Authorities have gotten lazy and not promoted the best asset of their airport to its highest and best use. Blue Ash will be a airport full of memories to be bulldozed for land development. Great, the property tax income for the new development wont do much. Maybe some slick looking buildings will stand tall in the shadows of the airport? :( The airport is a tool for the economy, its for the other businesses to grow their businesses using aviation. Its just sad to see that the current best and highest value for the Blue Ash airport is land development, when it really can be so much more. Is it kinda weird that I shed a tear while writing this knowing a great piece of aviation history is about to finish writing its story? (Once again, I am proving that I am a nerd, but an aviation one with a heart). Once Blue Ash is done writing, it'll be all over. RIP Blue Ash! If anybody else finds an airport where you can taxi like a zig zag through the woods, please let me know. Al The other morning it was just unbelievable. It confirms that mornings are my absolute favorite. Why? No Traffic, its smooth sailing on the high way, Its smooth sailing in the airways, Starbucks is usually open before any one else is AND!!! The control tower isn't open yet. There is an element of freedom that exists when the tower is closed. You can go anywhere on the airport you want with out getting a formal clearance. The best part is, its quite! Nobody to talk to on the radio. Being a typical guy, I enjoy a little bit of silence now and then. I was dreading picking our clearance up to Grand Raids because that meant we had to get in touch with Air traffic control on the ground and creating 99 problems for ourselves on such a beautiful day. That's when it hit me, LETS GO VFR!! Oh man, what a treat! Its like a cookies and cream ice cream cone with sprinkles. How refreshing! Not having to talk to anybody while crossing state lines, shore lines, and other airplanes. It was incredible, kinda like skinny dipping (my apologies if you got a bad mental image). What a way to enjoy a sunrise, a good cup of coffee and the best views on earth! GO VFR FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH!! AL During a recent trip to KANE which is Anoka Co Blaine airport just north of MSP I came across a fleet of these strange flying machines being prepared for a weekend gathering of aircraft enthusiasts. There were three all in a row in airworthy condition parked in front with another 5 to 6 parked out back with pieces missing. I noticed a three tail design and large bubble shaped windows, honestly it reminded me of a gigantic bug. I could tell like many the aircraft was used in the military because of the familiar "NAVY GREY" paint and large US lettering on the aft fuselage. Wanting to learn more we approached a gentleman who was walking from the tent seen in the picture. For the next 20 minutes we were not at all dissapointed we heard the great need for the Mohawk during the Vietnam war and its amazing capabilities. The OV-1 Mohawk was used from the Vietnam war up through Operation Desert Storm. It's tapered non swept wing design meant the aircraft had STOL (short takeoff and landing) capabilities. The bubble shaped bullet proof windows were a visual enhancement for the pilots to spot enemy troops below. Two giantic turbo prop engines producing 1000 horsepower a piece powered this aircraft for its mostly low altitude flying, because of this the cockpit was also armored for the crew. The US Army and US Marine Corps both utilized the Mohawk mostly for survelliance which came in extremely useful during night operations by using infared cameras. One example of the Mohawk was spotting Vietnamese soldiers at night transporting supplies down the Ho Chi Minh Trail during the Vietnam war. The Mohawk crew could then radio in air strikes with exact lat and lon coordinates, which was a very beneficial tool during the conflict. What a great day and a great experience to walk around and view an accomplished but odd looking military aircraft. It was amazing to see these Mohawks in the wonderful condition they were in. Dedication to the project must of been incredible by all that were involved to keep these aircraft in airworthy condition. Thank you to the many people involved in these projects all over the world it makes airplane geeks like myself very happy. Travis I woke up yesterday and immediately realized the thing that I forgot to do the day before! It wasn't feeding the cat, taking out the trash or doing the dishes. It was checking in for my Southwest Airlines flight. Without a guaranteed seat assignment it is important to do it ASAP so you can get the best seat available. For me that would be a window seat in row 3-6 in front of the engine. Why is this so important to me? Duhhhh! You can hear the engine spool up and spool down and the fan blades slapping the air at high power settings. It sounds beefy, and quite frankly its really awesome, best seat in the house hands down. That goes for any airplane with wing mounted engines. Try it, you'll like it :) I digress. I quickly checked in for my flight and I got a the the dreaded C 05 boarding pass slot. I didn't care if I got a C in school, but I am extremely disappointed in myself when I got a C on my boarding pass. A "C" on your boarding pass guaranteed you a middle seat on Southwest. As I boarded the plane I was accepted my fate and was about to meet my maker. Lots and lots of middle seats to choose from :) You try to make eye contact with everybody, but no body wants to make eye contact with you. Why? Because they hate you until you pass them down the aisle, because you can potentially take their personal space between them and the person in the window seat. I am a big boned guy that really has never missed a meal, so I can imagine people are freaked out when they see me and confirm that the seat next to them is open. Finally I give in and pick my seat. I narrow in and tell the person its their lucky day that they get to sit next to me. I quickly make myself at home in my seat and I discovered something. ITS NOT THAT BAD!! YOUR LIFE IS NOT RUINED WITH A MIDDLE SEAT!! IT WAS ACTUALLY...........COMFORTABLE!! That should sound like an oxymoron but its reality. I am the epitome of somebody that would be uncomfortable in a middle seat, but it was great. A few episodes of 30 Rock and some peanuts and it was all over! Maybe C's still do get degree's! Al Driving down the Vegas Strip, you pass one of the coolest places on earth. Its not a pry mid with a giant beam coming out of it, the Eiffel Tower or the place where Pawn Stars is. Its Signature Aviation. Its where all the Private Jets are parked. Right there front and center. The funny thing is, just a hand full of those equals the cost of a casino! Its pretty amazing when you put things relative like that. This is one instance where I'd probably take a casino over a jet :) Moving on.... When I see a ramp full of jets, all shapes, sizes and colors, I wonder who they belong to!? Where did these people come from and what are they doing? It might not be that they are gambling, they could be here for a funeral, or to visit their grand children. Maybe they are partying their brains out. There is a high probability that they belong to some celebrities or a prince or princess. Who knows? I just really like driving by and dreaming. This doesn't exist anymore. We need more people like Tex Johnson selling airplanes! Now we have high definition tents at Oshkosh passing out free pens. While I appreciate the pen, its life expectancy in my possession is incredibly short. Its lost by me with raging ADD. The Russians seem to get this concept down with demonstration flights, but they always seem to end tragically in fatal crashes. I don't know what it is, but they always crash :( Is Tex Johnson still alive? If he is, we need him out there selling airplanes!! Remember those days of family road trips and you were stuck in the back seat with your sibling? Those Clark W. Grizzwald moments in the family Truckster are pretty priceless. They probably sounded like this. "QUIT TOUCHING ME!" "MOM!! AL IS PULLING MY HAIR OUT!" "THIS IS MY SIDE AND THAT IS YOUR SIDE!" "SSSSSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!" Its no different in the airplane, even on a solo flight. I can gaurentee that your airplane feels like the bullied sibiling. It will probably be saying things like "QUIT TOUCHING ME!" "MOM!! AL IS PULLING MY HAIR OUT!" "THIS IS MY SIDE AND THAT IS YOUR SIDE!" "SSSSSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!" Sound familar? The reality is you need to keep your hands off your airplane. I am not saying you should just let go an Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" will start playing. I am saying, fly the airplane but quit touching the controls. Airplanes are manhandled more often than not. Who are they man handled by? The pilot flying the plane (Excluding "Otto the Pilot or George"). Flying the airplane doesn't take much, it actually takes less than your car. To fly your airplane better, try guiding it though the air with two finger tips. When the airplane needs to be corrected, try tapping the yoke. Don't grab it and have your veins pop like your about to have blood drawn. The airplane will talk to you and tell you what it wants just through your two finger tips. All you have to do is give the airplane what it wants. You'll probably enjoy it. The airplane will seem in much more control and you'll be less stressed out and fatigued from flying. No matter if you fly a Piper Cub or a 747, this technique will work in every single airplane you fly. So to just solidify my case as being an overweight, nerd with too much time on my hands I thought I'd interject this: YouTube clips of old airline commercials. There are two types of commercials in my opinion. 1) The old clips. These clips instill a tremendous feeling of nostalgia. Enough where you want to eat a quart of Ben and Jerry's and cry your eyes out. Who am I kidding, we are pilots, we don't cry unless its the movie 16R....Shut up. Moving on, it does instill a huge sense of nostalgia. These are the Pan - Am glory days of de-regulation, nasty pilot strikes and suit spewing out of the old DC-9's filmed in the commercials. They are really special, it makes me want to fly all the airplanes in those commercials simply because I will never be able to fly them :( It is also funny to see all the retro color schemes in the cabins of the airplanes. They look like bowling shoes. You'll get to hear airlines brag about the newest member of the Jet Aged fleet and they'll explain to you their engines are the quitest around. Let me tell you, they are lying to you. The engines are louder than hell and sound like the end of the world. One of my favorite commercials is a United one when they first got DC-10's. They are giving a cabin tour of it and explaining how you can sit in the "Friendship Lounge" and enjoy Cocktails on your flight from Dulles to San Fransisco. I'll take a Tom Collins please. 2) The new clips. Inevitably you run into the modern day clips of airline commercials. I love it! I have to hand it to the airline with the animals on their tails with thinking outside of the box and personifying vertical stabilizers. Great work! On the otherhand Most of them make you want to just be a single jet setter all over the globe. How fun! They do a great job of making you want to "wrack" up miles after miles to join the highest elite tier loyalty program the airline has to offer. I would be crossing the pond every day if I could get tucked in by a Bond Girl flight attendant after clearing my martini from my first class seat. On the contrary, it makes me want to fly for their damn airline. Ahh if that was only the case, I'll take a Tom Collins please. Do you have a favorite airline commercial? AL
A normal routine for a pilot from the first pre-flight walk around to shutdown has us reaching for the checklist. A very important step we all must take and pushed by many flight instructors during all operations. If you read any aviation periodical, flying book, or simply hangar talk we here many times never memorize a checklist. Along with many I agree that memorization of checklists is not good practice. Eventually a step is going to be missed, maybe a minor issue the first time but it could be that important gear handle the next time. Hey it happens more than we think!
With that being said I am a strong believer in memorization of the in-flight engine failure checklist. Very important for a twin engine aircraft that has a few different procedures involved, but for those of us who fly single engine, that is our only source of power. Every aircraft manufacturer, cfi, and pilot will have different procedures for an engine out failure. My personal procedure that I have forced into my students head and we have heard thousands of times before is FLY THE AIRPLANE FIRST. The first 4 to 5 seconds after the event will be the oh s*** stage, and during this stage not alot will get done. After reality sets in start this flow. Glide Grass Spark Gas The first two items are the most critical. First Glide, let your aircraft slow to the manufacturers reccommended best glide speed without losing to much altitude. This will insure the aircraft can reach out as far as it can during this situation. Second Grass, start looking for a field, road, airport anywhere that looks to be a suitable site. Sometimes this can be very difficult depending on what part of the country you are flying in. During all operations maintain your situational awareness. Also when considering where to land keep banks to a minimum if you need the distance, banking the aircraft causes a loss of lift. Remember FLY THE AIRPLANE FIRST! The next two steps in our memorized engine out checklist is spark and gas. After we have positive control and have a plan on where we are going to put the aircraft come back into the airplane and finish the checklist. Complete the remaining checklist items, restart, fuel tank switch, aux fuel pump, mixture control, crack door, etc ( not necessarily in this order). This is where I recommend you check the aircraft POH to find the proper protocol. Also, remember to squawk your emergency transponder code 7700 and contact ATC on guard 121.5 to give your location. If the aircraft will not re-start we already have a plan in place. Speed is good and we have our spot picked out. Knock the dust off that POH in the backseat from time to time and re-read the emergency section to keep the info fresh in your mind. Pilots can never predict an engine failure but we can be prepared and remain in control if one were to occur. Memorize that engine out checklist and practice it in your sleep. If you have not heard it before now remember fly the airplane first. |
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