"Ahhhhh well folks, ahhhhh welcome ahhhhh board your flight to ahhhhh San Francisco...yawn. Ahhhh its two hours and five ahhhhh minutes enoute to ahhh day. Sit back and ahhhh enjoy the flight. Welcome AHHHH board."
Sound familiar? I really hope not but it probably did. Lets face it. Airliner PA announcements kinda suck. They need to go through a revolution. We can first get rid of the AHHHHH that is a great filler between every other word. Let's also spice it up a little bit. Whats wrong with making the cabin full of people laugh? I'd put money on it that they aren't listening to begin with, so lets take on the challenge and make people laugh who aren't listening in the first place. Hell the passengers are probably tweeting about how horrible you sound saying "Shut up Mr. Pilot #annoyed" or posting a pic on Instagram of everybody boarding and the caption says "These people don't care." You will be one step closer to being a stand up comic. The best part is that Federal Law requires passengers to listen to you! Be more interesting than the Words With Friends Game that the people are playing. SEIZE THE MOMENT!
I had two announcements that I made and they were the following:
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC NEWS from the flight deck this morning. We have just been cleared for take off by the tower to New York, New York, at this time I'd like to have our Flight Attendants to please be seated."
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen one final time from the Flight Deck. Guess What!? I have great news, we'll be landing soon. Right now air traffic control has us decending through 15,000 feet and just 75 miles left of flying in this evenings flight. All in all we will have you to the gate in roughly 15 minutes. Folks, you are in store for a real treat tonight, I don't know if you know it or not, but your captain, Mr. Santa Clause, is at the controls. In addition to being Elvis's number one fan, he has also developed a reputation amongst the pilot group as being one of the smoothest landers. Earlier in the flight he was cited as saying......quote......this will be the smoothest landing ever......unquote. The good news for Santa is that he has better than Ideal weather conditions for a great landing, right now the airport is calling for gusty winds out of the north, heavy rain and poor visibility. I'd like to take the opportunity to thank you for flying with us tonight, at this time I'd like the flight attendants to prepare for landing. Once again, thanks for flying with us and we bid you adieu and a pleasant evening!"
OH GOD. That was horrible. I must have been long winded and getting boo'd saying all that on the last 15 minutes of a transcontinental red eye. I am so sorry world. As Steve Martin said in Planes Trains and Automobiles "You are like a Chatty Kathy Doll that has a string to pull it and go blahhh blahh blahh except your the one pulling it!"
These announcements need to be like tweets 160 characters only. So, who is in? Let's call for a revolution for the airline announcement.
PS - I had a welcome aboard announcement contest between one of my favorite captains to fly with. It was actually broadcast LIVE from my iphone to my facebook page. Whoever had the most hits won. We are still in a stalemate with 0 views each for lack of interest. Here are links to our announcements. You be the judge.